This is a guest post from Susan Lacke, who has recently overcome a debilitating phobia of Twitter. You can now follow her to learn everything you never knew you needed to know about cupcakes, beer, and triathlons.
Even between friends, some things are best left unsaid.
But at No Meat Athlete, we’re happy to do the dirty work, and we think it’s about time you and your training partner got it all out in the open. It’s time you heard a few of the things they’re dying to tell you, but never will.
What Your Training Partner Won’t Tell You
1. You will not lose momentum if you stop moving during a run. So quit jogging in place at the stoplight. You look like an idiot.
2. There are at least two embarrassing songs on everyone’s iPod playlist. There is no need to pretend you don’t know how they got there. Just own up to your love for N’Sync.
3. Everyone pees in the pool at some point. Everyone. Anyone who says they haven’t is lying. The same goes for the mass start of an open-water swim. There’s a reason that water feels so warm.
4. Please limit yourself to no more than two electronic devices when we work out together. Anything more and you have more wires coming out of you than an ICU patient.
6. Outside of your running group, no one really cares if you did a brutal 12-miler this morning. No need to try to work it into every conversation you have at work, at school, while shopping, at the bank…
7. It’s kind of annoying when you stretch in inappropriate places, like at the checkout aisle of the grocery store.
8. The first open-water swim any swimmer or triathlete does is scary. Almost everyone panics during their first. It’s normal. The real champs are the ones who face it and get back in there for a second.
9. If you’re on a Century ride and take a break: Eat first. Reapply chamois cream second. Never, ever, ever the other way around.
10. It’s not bragging if you can do it. But until you’ve done it — zip it.
11. You’re not the only one who is self-conscious about heavy breathing when training with another person.
12. Don’t wear your aero helmet on a group ride unless you want people to know you’re a tool.
13. The same goes for head-to-toe color coordination with your bike.
14. “Chariots of Fire” was good. Not great. We can quit pretending now.
15. To get rid of side stiches, take really deep breaths then exhale fully, like you’re trying to squeeze all the air out of your lungs with your diaphragm. Repeat.
16. No matter how fit we are, we still suck in our guts when we first take off our shirts during a workout. First impressions count, y’all.
17. In the pool, please wear appropriate swimwear. We don’t care how hot you are; no one needs to see all THAT.
18. Ladies – During hot races, dump the cups of ice from the aid station in your sports bra. Life…changing.
19. You’re not the only one who checks themselves out in the mirror while running on the treadmill at the gym.
20. Everyone cringes when they see their race photos online. Do you really look like that when you run? Yes. Yes, you do. Sorry.
21. Don’t dish out criticism about someone else’s diet/lifestyle/training plan unless you’re prepared to take criticism about yours in return.
22. If you’re with athletes who know more than you, don’t bullshit and pretend you know as much (or worse, more) than them. Just listen.
23. Desitin (yes, the diaper rash cream) works just as well on chafed areas as the expensive post-workout creams sold at sporting goods stores.
24. Unless you were trying to qualify for the Olympics and failed, please refrain from throwing a hissy fit at the finish line if you are unhappy with your performance. You embarrass everyone around you when you do that.
25. There are no expiration dates on PR times. But unless you set a world record or replace it with a new PR, your bragging rights expire after 5 years.
26. There is no good reason to ever, ever, EVER buy anything found in the advertising section of your favorite sport magazines. There’s a reason electroshock belts and VO2 breathing trainers aren’t featured in the actual articles of the magazine.
27. Even if a training partner is faster than you, don’t discount yourself. Chances are very good that person admires something about you: Your positive attitude, your ability to make compression shorts look good, your persistence…whatever it is, keep it up. There’s a reason they’re still training with you, you badass.